We’ve heard this a million times. It’s what’s kept me quiet here online. I have so much to be thankful for but the hurt and heartache weigh heavier at times. I don’t want this blog to be a dumping ground.
Christmas is a tough season to be w/o a church family. Or to be visiting new churches. Churches where everything is new and unknown. Christmas is a rough season for the third trimester of pregnancy.
Being called away from our church family so suddenly sent a shock to my core.
Being obedient to that call from God and to my husband was and IS obviously more important than disobeying His clear message for our family. I’ll admit, it makes me feel a bit like I was given divorce papers unexpectedly. (Granted, that has never happened to me so I don’t really know what it would be like but this is the image that seems to fit best with the whole situation and what I’m feeling.)
Friends go radio silent not understanding why the sudden huge change. Friends move to the “acquaintances bracket” not knowing how to deal with our family’s seemingly abrupt decision.
We had been trying to work through something all summer, something that has bothered us for over a year. We both hoped and assumed things would get better, that something would change for the good.
But in the blink of an eye God showed us, clearly, that His plans were much different than ours. I’m so very thankful for those times when we receive clear messages. But… my heart wants to know more, wants to know why?
My whole life I’ve suffered from a self induced sickness: putting too much hope in humanity and not enough in God. Instead of ALL my hope I’m Him. All. Of. It. When my hope, any amount, is in humanity I’m setting myself up for disappointment and hurt. Every. Time. None of us are perfect. We all let people down. I’m not perfect, far from it. I let people down all the time. But overtime, this hurt has left scars on top of scars on my heart. Add pregnancy on top of all that this time a year? What a recipe for an emotional mess.
But like I said, this isn’t going to be a dumping ground. My gifts from God stack higher than the mountain of my pain.
Starting with the health of my family and especially the perfect health reports of my soon-to-arrive 3rd baby! What a blessing in the midst of the stress during such a season of big transition. A warm house, clothing and vehicles that are working well!
But it might be all the small gifts that add that sweet icing to the cake…
All the perfect songs that come at just the perfect time when I’m hurting the most.
Sweet complements from my five year old that my cooking is always so good.
Free spontaneous hugs from my three year old.
Sleep that, for the most part, comes easy in this third trimester.
Bright sunshine through clean windows.
I have no idea how long this season of transition will last or how much more physical, spiritual and emotional stretching my body will endure. I’m not sure I’ll ever see the big picture to answer all the “whys” that swirl in my head.
But I know His gifts never stop. I want to stop to notice and receive them.
Some days will always be more difficult than others. That will never change. But I know Someone who never changes. That’s all that matters and that’s where my hope will be. The stress on my soul and body needs a good deal of healing. While my Healer does His work in my life. I’m going to sit quiet for this season and enjoy the kicks (and what feels like snow angles and backflips) from this growing baby inside me.
Linking up with Emily at Chatting at the Sky